Debbie Lewis—3 min read—Client resource
Is This Relationship Growing Me or Damaging Me?
Whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery. Proverbs 29:1 NLT
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:24 NLT
Do you find yourself feeling confused in relationships?
Do you lose your sense of agency or autonomy around certain people?
Have you questioned your ability to discern truth, trust yourself, or understand the role of the Holy Spirit in your life?
Relationships are messy. Navigating them can feel incredibly difficult and confusing. On top of that, our culture constantly floods us with buzzwords and opinions through reels, shorts, podcasts, and vlogs. Terms like toxic, narcissist, gaslighting, and cancel culture are everywhere.
So what is actually true?
Who is truly narcissistic?
Is narcissism a diagnosis, a personality trait, or part of the human condition?
All of this conflicting information can make it hard to discern what is healthy, unhealthy, difficult, or destructive in a relationship. Relationships can become some of the most beautiful experiences in our lives — and also some of the most painful.
What Does God Speak Over Me?
Before trying to discern another person’s behavior towards you, it is important to remember what God already says about you. Zephaniah 3:17 reminds us that God delights in His people. He quiets our hearts and rejoices over us with love.
Take a moment to sit with that.
God is not merely tolerating your presence. He delights in being with you. We often understand the idea of rejoicing in God’s presence, but in Anatomy of the Soul, Curt Thompson highlights something profound: God Himself rejoices over His creation — His people.
That changes the question from:
“What do others think of me?”
to
“What does God speak over me?”
Hard Relationships Heal. Destructive Relationships Hurt.
See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 NLT
Not every difficult relationship is abusive. Healthy relationships can still involve conflict, discomfort, growth, and accountability. But destructive relationships slowly erode emotional safety, clarity, and identity.
Some harmful relational behaviors may include:
- Belittling
- Constant dismissiveness
- Silent treatment
- Manipulation
- Chronic blame-shifting
- Emotional invalidation
Am I Overreacting… or Is This Relationship Unhealthy?
Sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish between discernment (the ability to judge well)and emotional triggers(situations, people, places, or sensory experiences that spark a sudden, intense emotional reaction). One important question to ask yourself is: “Do I feel emotionally safe in this relationship?” To be clear, this section is referring to emotional safety. If you are not physically or sexually safe, please contact local authorities or seek immediate help. As adults, someone cannot simply tell us we are safe — we have to discern and believe it for ourselves. Here are some things that are healthy and okay to do in relationships:
- It’s okay to need more information.
- It’s okay to ask questions and verify what is true.
- It’s okay to be honest about what you can and cannot handle emotionally.
- It’s okay to set boundaries without guilt.
If you want to explore this subject further, I highly recommend I Want to Trust You, but I Don’t by Lysa TerKeurst.
Is This Relationship Hard… or Actually Harmful?
Are you the only one trying harder? Healthy relationships are two-way streets. Both people engage, show up, communicate honestly, and take responsibility. In healthy relationships, effort is usually reciprocated. In unhealthy relationships, trying harder may only increase the other person’s entitlement, control, or selfishness.
If you repeatedly walk away from conversations feeling like:
- “I can never measure up,”
- “Nothing I do is enough,” or
- “I have to save this relationship alone,”
You may begin to realize the other person is asking you to become something no human can truly be — a savior.
And eventually, you recognize:
You cannot be that person.
When Difficult Starts Feeling Destructive
Sometimes relationships stretch us.
Other times, they slowly diminish us.
Learning the difference matters.
In the meantime, if any part of this blog stirred confusion, curiosity, or concern within you, please reach out for support. You do not have to navigate these questions alone. We are here to help, educate, and walk alongside you.